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101 Things to Do Before Your Lobotomy

Well...after 2 weeks of planning strategies, positive self-affirmations and a few nips of Johnnie Walker Red...I finally managed to overcome my own personal Everest this weekend:

Driving over the Gateway Bridge

This may seem like a bit of an anticlimactical event, given that in my lifetime I have bunjee-jumped semi-naked, spear-fished amongst bronze whalers, taken trapeze lessons and watched an entire episode of "Three and a Half Men" all the way through to the end credits- however, the Gateway Bridge has always posed quite the mental stumbling block for me.

Most people know that I am not the most confident of drivers. This became painfully clear quite early on,  when, in order to ensure I was taking a left turn versus a right turn, I would have to place my fingers in an 'L" shape against my forehead (much to the amusement of people driving beside me).

I am getting better though- and I can now drive from A to B without publicly branding myself as a "Loser" (most of the time)  but the idea of crossing over that one damn bridge in Brisbane has always filled me with utter, utter dread.

Completely irrational of course, (like my morbid fear of offal or anything Aniseed) but I have always pictured myself paying the toll, joining the heaving mass of traffic hurtling towards the bridge, and then inevitably, having my little Ford Festiva crushed between two large trucks (carrying sheep testicles and bottles of Ouzo respectively.)

                                          

However, as it turned out, the trip across the Bridge from Hell came and went without incident.

Like most small concerns that I blow out of proportion in my head, my phobia was completely without merit. Not only was my car not reduced to a small crushed circle of metal by two trucks carrying diapers or licorice all-sorts, but I actually took time to enjoy the views on the way over.

I came home feeling mighty pleased with myself and quite liberated by the whole experience. Never again, I have vowed to myself, will  fears/phobias, large or small, restrict or prevent me from doing whatever I feel like doing.

In fact, I sat down and dug out a book that I was given a few months ago called "101 Things to Do Before You Die" (subtitled "or  Before You Get Old, Boring and Lock Yourself in a Cupboard with Your Imaginary Friend "Barney Blueballs")

                                                 

I figured that if life is to be embraced to the fullest, then surely some of the answers would be in here!

            *******************************************************

I have to say right now, and most categorically, that if some of the "must do" activities listed in this book are any indication of what the general populace is out scrambling to partake in before they expire, I might just lock myself in the cupoboard and see what Barney is up to these days.

I'm all for trying new experiences, but after flipping through this little gem, I think the suggestions are more geared for those who wish to "Go Out and  Be Inane...more so than usual...Before You Die".

Some of the prescribed pastimes were reasonable enough:

*Build a sandcastle

*Take a long walk on the beach in your bare feet

*Make sure to find a moment to smell wildflowers

All good, clean fun to be sure, and for those whose deprived childhoods saw them missing out on all of  the sandcastle-building/wildflower-sniffing action, a wet and wild time will undoubtedly be had by all.

The rest of the list though had me reaching for the bottle.....of Smirnoff...before midday.

Here are some choice examples:

*Go On Holiday With No Luggage

Now, as a travel agent, I would not normally recommend this to passengers. Spontanaeity aside, if you're travelling to say, Thailand, and have the dodgy fish curry, one pair of underpants is NOT enough people!

*Swim alongside something big

...and if it has a large dorsal fin, double your fun and smear yourself with fish entrails

*Take Pole-dancing lessons

...just in case that day-job doesn't quite work out.

*Create an online alter-ego

Imagine the hours of cyber-stalking entertainment to be had. Just for a twist, hang out and make new friends at www.tweencity.com

*Go to a Bedding and Linen store in your pink PJs

..and then wait for the little men in white PJs to join you.

 *Ride in an elevator for a couple of hours

Always more amusing if you bring along your claustrophobic friends

*Fast for 48 hours

If you are anorexic...make that 212 hours.

*Take a deep breath of fresh air

I would submit that, if you are not doing this on at least a semi-regular basis, then this list will probably be of little value considering that you are already dead.

*Contemplate your navel for 4 hours

Well, that's just stupid now, isnt it?

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Having just come from visiting my grandmother who is 96, and actually does lock herself in the cupboard and talk to Barney Blueballs - I am thinking that when it comes to embracing life, I can probably think of some exhilarating alternatives to staring at my belly-button or denying myself pizza for a couple of days.

Next week, I might just take the Ford Festiva for a spin in peak hour traffic though Surfers Paradise.

You can't say that I'm not game........

About the Author

Kylie is a well travelled free-lance writer who has been published in several magazines in Australia and the United States including "Honestly Woman" and "Third Coast Marketing".

Come on in..sit down and enjoy...bring your prescription drugs if necessary.

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